Tom DeLay Indicted For Role in Rape of America

By Lucious P. Hoggphatt 

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move long anticipated by his supporters, Congressman Tom DeLay (R-Tex.), the House Majority Leader, was officially indicted yesterday on charges stemming from his alleged role in the rape of America. The indictment was handed down by a Texas grand jury following a two-year investigation by state prosecutor Ronnie Earle.

“These charges are nothing more than a political attack by the radical Left,” DeLay said in a press conference held just hours after the indictment was handed down. “I am totally innocent, and will prove my innocence in a court of law. What happened between me and 

America was nothing but a consensual act between two adults.”

According to the four-page indictment, DeLay is alleged to have met America outside a popular Austin, Tex., nightspot in November 1994. He reportedly followed her inside the club where he then bought her numerous drinks. After several hours of dancing, and more drinking, 

DeLay then escorted America to her car in the parking lot where he shoved her face-first against the hood of the vehicle and repeatedly sodomized her while several other members of the GOP looked on.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” DeLay said. “We had a little intercourse, sure. But it was all about her. I mean, she was asking for it. The way she was dressed, with her enormous budget surplus wrapped in that little short skirt, blouse all tied up showing her peaceful and prosperous navel, and her lapping up all those free drinks I bought her. And let’s face it, nobody dances the two-step that close unless they want things to go all the way.”

America, in a statement released through her legal counsel, claims that DeLay wooed her with promises of a smaller, more fiscally responsible government, lower taxes for the middle class and a  government that takes personal responsibility and morality seriously.

“That, and all the free Jim Beam,” she said.

While DeLay calls the charges “weak,” and “without merit,” Earle’s office today said DNA samples taken from America’s skirt tell a different story.

“We have irrefutable evidence that America was raped by someone,” 

Earle’s office said. “Whether it was Tom DeLay or the entire GOP, only a definitive test will conclude. But one thing is for certain: DeLay was there, and he certainly played some part in this heinous crime.”

DeLay, who yesterday stepped down temporarily from his position as Majority Leader, vowed to fight the charges all the way.

“We will fight, and we will win. I am innocent,” DeLay said. 

“Besides, that bitch had it coming.”

By Lucious P. Hoggphatt 

     WASHINGTON, D.C.—President George W. Bush staggered into the pressroom Thursday morning to announce his nomination for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, sending shockwaves of concern through the Capitol that the president may have fallen off the wagon.
     “After much soul searching and discussion with senate leadership, I am pleased to announce the nomination of the first Hispanic to the Supreme Court: Jose Cuervo,” the president said through bleary red eyes.
     The president then hoisted a half-empty bottle of Jose Cuervo 1800 Reposado Reserve (list price $42) onto the podium with his gnarled, sweaty hands.
     “It has been my pleasure to know Mr. Cuervo for many, many great years,” the president said, “and, uh, uh, I uh, I have the utmost, uh, confidence of his ability to uphold the Constitution.”
     Cuervo’s last post was as Attorney General of Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville in Key West, Fla., where he made a name for himself viciously prosecuting sobriety. Democratic senators, however, said Cuervo’s experience there does not qualify him for the position, and threatened to block the nomination.
     “I, too, have known Cuervo for quite some time,” said Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.). “We have had many, many good times together. But that does not necessarily make him qualified. Besides, as we all know, Margaritaville, while being a wonderful place, is really a State of Mind.”
     Kennedy also noted Cuervo’s long history of being involved in rash, radical decisions. “There was that one time,” Kennedy said, “out on the Cape, with (former Senator and presidential hopeful) Gary Hart and Hunter S. Thompson. Cuervo was there, and I seem to remember him somehow convincing all three of us to strip naked, wade out into the water and . . . oh, well, I’ve probably said too much.”
     Sen. Bill Frist (R-Tenn.), while somewhat disappointed, voiced his support of the president’s choice.
     “I would like to have seen the president select either Judge Beam or Judge Daniels, both from my home state,” Frist said. “But it is nice to see the president tap a minority for the job.”