The Butcher of Main Street 

 By Lucious P. Hoggphatt 

Hit was time fo mah semi-annual grooming, so Ah tripped on down to Harry Sowbelly’s bah-bah shop in Sinnsboro to have mah mop trimmed. He announced mah presence to the rabble gathered within soon as Ah walked in.

“Heya comes mah Liberal friend, the Yellah Dawg Democrat.”

“Now Harry,” Ah says, climbing up into the chair, “y’all know that ain’t true. Ah considers mahsef t’be an Independent.”

“How so?” He asks me, draping a bed sheet across mah belly and clippin it behind mah neck with a clothespin.

“Fo example,” Ah says, “Ah might – Might, Ah say – be persuaded to vote fo a Republican, if’n his name was Jesus Christ. But Ah admit, hit would take some doin, even then.”

“Ah sweah,” he says, lifting his comb and scissors up out of a jar filled with Lord Calvert whiskey, where they had been soaking. 

“That’s just about how stupid you are.”

“Maybe you is right,” Ah says, as Harry starts snippin away at the side of mah head. “And maybe you can shed some light on something fo me, you being what Ah would consider a man of reasonable intelligence.”

“What’s that, Lucious?”

“Well, maybe you can explain to me why average working-class folks like yoself keeps voting Republica year after year,” Ah says. “Ah mean, hit seems to me like a battered wife what keeps going back to her violent, drunken husband over and over agin, jest because she caint figure out where else to go.”

He spun me away from the mirrors and paused in his clipping fo a minute, then says, “Well, primarily, I reckon, it’s a matter of security. I jest feel safer with a Republican in the White House, especially in a time of wah.”

“Ah see,” Ah says, and he started snipping again. “Who was it what was in the White House when we whupped them Natsis back in WWII?”

“FDR,” he exclaimed.

“And FDR was a Republican, was he?”

“Now you know that ain’t so,” he says, “but that was a different time. A different wah.”

“I don’t reckon, then, Ah need to remind you who was in the White House when them World Trade Centers came down in 2001, does Ah?”

“Now be fair, Lucious,” he says. “You all know that was mostly Bill Clinton’s fault.”

“Ah hear that a lot from folks like you,” Ah says. “But you recall the World Trade Centers were attacked once before, back in March of 1993.”

“That’s right.”

“Bill Clinton had been in office fo about nine weeks,” Ah says, “and you know what he did?”

“What’s that?”

“Well, what he DIDN’T do was blame King George I,” Ah says. “Instead, he set about capturing, trying, and convicting them rascals, and they’s settin in the jail house to this day. You also recall the Millennium Bombing plot?”

“Sho,” he says. “Caught some feller comin across the Canadian border with a trunkload of TNT.”

“In 1999,” Ah says, “by Clinton’s Counter-Terrorist folks. You know what you call that?”

“What’s that?”

“Security,” Ah says.

He stopped cutting again and says, “Well, I reckon hits primarily the fact that Republicans support the military more than Democrats, and that’s especially important in a time of wah.”

“You mean the republicans what jest a few weeks ago cut combat pay fo the troops, even while they is still in the front lines?” Ah asked, “Or do you mean the republicans what cut veteran benefits for the troops coming back from the front lines? Or the republicans that, even after four years of wah, caint seem to outfit our soldiers with enough armor to stop an arrow?”

He stopped cutting again and says, “Well, I reckon hits primarily the fact that Republicans have more integrity in office, and that’s especially important in a time of wah.”

“Ah see,” Ah says, and he commenced to cutting agin. “The same republicans what outted a CIA operative in a time of wah, or the republicans that, according to the Downing Street Minutes, lied to get us into this wah in the fuhst place?”

The snipping stopped once more, and Harry says, “Well, I reckon hits more of a Family Values thing. Republicans simply identify with those traditional Christian values of the Middle Class.”

“Now that’s a right fine point,” Ah says, as he starts clipping mah bangs. “Them Bush girls are one fine example of how to raise yo kids, ain’t they? Unemployed, not in school, filled with liquor and pills.”

“Well, Jeb’s got some fine younguns, ain’t he?”

“You mean his son the unemployed drunk?” Ah asked. “On the other hand, Bill and Hillary, in spite of their weird marital arrangement (whatever hit may be), somehow managed to raise an Honor Roll student who’s not a drunk.”

“But you caint blame them fo they children,” Harry says. “They’s still fine Christians.”

“Ah’m sorry, Harry,” Ah says, “but Ah ain’t heard too many Christians tell a senator to go ‘f#*k himself’ they way Dick Cheney did. An Ah don’t find cutting childcare for mothers who are tryin to work they way off’n Welfare very Christian.”

The sound of the scissors stopped agin, and Harry says, “You know, when it comes right down to it, it’s the abortion issue that gets me at the end of the day, and the Republican’s value fo human life.”

“And that’s a fine sentiment,” Ah says. “Of course you know, then, that when Clinton was president, abortions went down every single year. On the other hand, under King George II, they have gone up every single year, jest like they did when his daddy was president. And Ah remind you that the Republican Majority Leader in the Senate, Dr. Bill Frist, owns a chain of hospitals in Tennessee where abortions are conducted regularly, and for a profit.”

Ah felt the scissors nip off the top of mah left ear.

“Gall dern!” Ah says.

“Sorry about that, Lucious,” Sowbelly says. “Ah ain’t had mah medcine today, and Ah’m a little shaky.”

Harry started cutting agin, his hands trembling, and says, “Dadgum it, Republicans are more fiscally responsible. They’s not all Tax-and-Spend like the Democrats.”

“Ah reckon that’s how you explain King George II turning that surplus that Clinton left him into a staggering deficit,” Ah says. “Or how, for the first time in the history of mankind, he managed to deliver a tax cut during wah time, one what went to the wealthiest 2 percent.”

He nicked mah other ear then, and without apologizing, says, “Ah just like the idea of a smaller government, which is what Republicans are really all about.”

“Fetch me a Band-Aid,” Ah says, “then explain to me how, under Clinton, the federal government was the smallest hit had been in 40 years, while under King George II we’ve got the largest bureaucracy in history, what with the prescription drug plan and the Homeland Security department, neither of which work.”

He handed me a couple of Band-Aids and Ah taped them across mah ears.

“Why don’t you jest git the hell on outta here before Ah call the Chief of Police to arrest you for un-American activities,” he says, and whipped the sheet off’n me, shaking hairs down into the floor.

Ah handed him a four-dollar bill, told him to keep the change, and walked out.

A few blocks down the sidewalk, one of mah girlfriends stopped me and says, “Lucious, what happened to yo hair?”

“What do you mean?” Ah asked, rubbing mah fangers through it.

“Well, the front looks all right,” she says, “but the back looks like someone got after it with a weed-whacker.”

Ah’ll be danged if’n Ah ever argue with a man holding a sharp instrument agin.

Wanna make God laugh? Tell Him your plans!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away- George Carlin

Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church or synagogue!

God loves everybody, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over snooty, pompous, pious, uppity, hypocritical, lesbyterian religious nuts!

Behind every wise crack there’s always a smart ass!

And finally a patriotic quote from the late brother Dave Gardner: Stand up for America and lay down for piece.

And remember real Peace starts with a smile.

The government keeps talking about drafting the new constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart folks, and it worked for quite some time. But we aren't using it anymore, so let them see if they can make some use of it. SCLOS

Does anyone find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. They tracked her calves down to their stalls too. But they were unable to locate 11 million aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow!!!

You might be a Southerner if you drive through Atlanta and wonder where is Sherman now that you need him.

You might be a Southerner if you think the best way to beautify the South is put a Yankee on a North bound bus!

Said the Southerner to his Yankee friend. I'm so hungry I could eat the North end of a South bound bull.

Do you know the real reason we can't have the ten commandments posted in a courthouse with controversial commandments like "thou shalt not steal", "thou shalt not commit adultery" and "thou shalt not lie".? With a courthouse full of judges, lawyers and politicians it creates a hostile work environment!