PREVIEW FROM HEAVEN

     St. Peter delivered a copy of the New Dukes of Hazzard movie to Sorrell Booke (Boss Hogg) and Denver Pyle (Uncle Jesse) from planet earth, that had been beamed by the angels for heavenly review. St. Peter tells Boss and Uncle Jesse that they used to watch the Dukes of Hazzard TV Show each week as it was beamed to Heaven.
     St. Peter said, “Even though you crossed the line Boss in the end good overcame evil and we liked that. Jesse you did good raising those boys and always said the blessing and did your best. You guys watch the movie and I'll come back in a few hours and see if you recommend it to the rest of us.”
     After a few hours St. Peter came back and Boss and Jesse looked so sad. “Whats wrong Boss,” Peter exclaimed, “Heaven’s an eternal, joyous place.” Boss said "Don't get me wrong Peter". Jesse and I would love for all of Heaven to watch the movie, but we ain't lettin' nobody watch this, especially God.”
     “Why? Because dammit isn't Gods last name, and those good ole boys Bo and Luke always made fun of the Devils Weed but not in this movie… and the sex scenes, no way! Now Peter you know Boss and Jesse were funny characters, but we never cursed and the kids loved us. We made em laugh and there was always a good outcome.”
     “Send the angels to deliver a message leave them good ole boys and girls at home. This ain't us and may God have mercy on all those that created this trash.”

Sorrell Booke and Denver Pyle

     Its time for the Leroy Hogg family to get prepared for the new school year at Hogg Elementary and Hogg Junior High School. All of the essentials for the coming year are packed and ready. There are packs of #2 Hogg yellow pencils, Blue Hogg Notebook paper, Hogg Magic Markers, and Confederate Gray satchels. Roland Hogg enters Jr. High, and Chubby Hogg enters the 6th grade.
     Their mother Plump Hogg has prepared their lunches for opening day. Roland requested chicken gizzards and Chubby chicken livers. Plump, being the conscientious mother always fed her kids nutritious foods and added to their lunch pails two nehi drinks, one orange and one grape, Moon Pies, Cracker Jacks, Sugar Babies, Purple Licorice, two slim jims and two bags of boiled peanuts.
     The years curriculum at the Hogg schools is a must to enter Hogg University for finer learnin':

1st Period   Southern Anglish

2nd Period  Psyferin’ 1 - Addin' and tractin'

3rd Period   Psyferin’ 2 - Multiplyin' and dividin'

4th Period   Genesis 1  (science)

5th Period   Hoggtics 1 (civics)

6th Period   Confederates States History

7th Period   Illegal Crops (agriculture)

8th Period   Football

The only sport, no sissy ball, track is only used running from revenuers and narcs.

Once a week the students have sex education classes. The first week is on abstinence. Think of Crisco, great for fried chicken, but its still shortening! That'll keep you outta trouble. Back home at 1:00 P.M.

     Harvest season has begun in Ridgeway and Ben and Boss have their two most lucrative crops headed for a bumper harvest with all the abundant rainfall we have been blessed with this summer. The wawtamelon crop is the biggest and sweetest in years. Even though J.D. swears the yellow melons are the sweetest it really doesn’t matter what color the meat is because there is always a deviant side to the melon crop. Now by coincidence the melon stand is situated by the Hogg Finance Company.
     Before they make it to the stand the melons are injected with 200 proof Hoggshine and several are cut open and free samples offered to anyone over 16. After a while the crowd would get so soused, they would finance anything at the sky high interest rates mayor Hogg imposed.  For every loan approved, the customer got a free melon and seed of grief.
     Now Bens Ridgeway Red crop is thriving too and the buds are so big they look like bunches of bananas. The county Narcs helicopter pilot somehow misses Ben’s field after it rains. If he'd fly where the money isn't green he'd see he wasn't in Kansas anymore. The leaves in Ben’s field, make you feel like you're in munchkin land looking for Toto and Dorothy. After it rains the leaves glisten like those Ruby Red Slippers on stalks 10 feet tall. Just in case SLED was on the lookout, Ben has huge blowers on either end of the patch that dry the leaves in seconds.
     Ben and Mayor Hogg have developed a grand marketing scheme. They grind the leaves and buds up real fine and package the herb in sauté bottles as Hogg fine parsley and it is packaged in the quarter, half and oz. size bottles. The price is deceiving. It looks like you're paying 40c, 100 and 150, only the decimals missing. Sprinkle this on your taters and they'll butter themselves. Of course Hogg Parsley is only shipped on weekends when the only law enforcement you can find has a wildlife patch on his sleeve. If he only knew what kind of "wildlife" to look for?