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Most editorial staff members
contributed to this article.
“Ecstatic!” proclaimed Mayor Hogg over the Supreme Courts ruling on
eminent domain for cities and towns. The Town of Ridgeway is now being
changed forever by the Great Hogg. Due to the drastic changes in Ridgeway,
J.D. Hogg has commenced on incorporating Bug Tussell/Longtown into a
thriving honest small town and Bertha Hogg is doing the same for Lake
Wannabee, not only to protect themselves but the local populace from the
onslaught of the Hogg Trough.
Declarations and seizures of private property by Mayor
Hogg sounds like Ridgeway investing in Dun and Hoggstreet, which the mayor
has renamed the main thoroughfare. Annexation is being done very
carefully, so as to condemn property not inhabited by a minority voter.
Following is a blow by blow account of the mayor’s acquisitions of private
property since the Supreme Count ruling. All property will increase
revenue for his…, oh a the towns benefit.
1. Decided to annex into the town a one half mile
stretch of Peach Road ending at the Ridgeway Water Plant on the left side
of the road. Upon learning from a reputable geologist, a Mr. Quartz Geode,
that oil was to be found on Terry Burreys property, the Mayor claimed it
for the town. Boss had forgotten that at one time this area was a
beautiful wetland with reeds and a stream, but over the years Terry had
dumped everything but the kitchen sink on this property. Boss not only
wanted the oil but the property from the informant who had dumped on him.
When drilling began, Mr. Geode called Boss to inform
him he thought they had hit the mother load. Mayor Hogg arrived with great
jubilation. When the final drill hit the black gold shot 100 feet in the
air, only it wasn’t oil but the towns unmarked sewer line and since the
mayor lived closest to the site for once in his life he was covered in his
own s#$%. He decided to deed the property back to Terry with DHEC as his
partner.
2. Condemned for the town the old shirt factory and
created the Hoggway Bingo Parlor. Boss advertised all the great prizes to
be won. Put an add in all the major Yankee newspapers guaranteeing a 20%
discount on all speedin' tickets to those headed for the parlor If'n any
Yankee could show proof of a platinum American Express Card you got a 50%
discount. Everyone won small prizes, mainly a bag of different flavored
BB-Bats. Boss had the cards fixed and the balls fell in twos.
3. Claimed for the town, the old collectable store ran
once by Stonewall Hogg. So as not to discriminate with the gay nudist
camp, Boss leased this to the girls. He leased it to Brenda Turkey for the
Fishers like Men L Club Bar and Grill, for ladies of a different
persuasion. They looked more like men then the real men in town.
 Brenda
will always be known as the most pious, busybody in town. She’s currently
running a sale on whips. She has won her hero awards you can't take away.
Once a member of the Dutch Royal Navy, she was proclaimed a hero by Queen
Beatrix for saving the Dutch Nation. During a tremendous Gale in the 60's,
a Dutch Dike sprung a four leaks the size of her hand. She plugged the
leaks with her four fingers and gave a thumbs up till her comrades arrived
to plug the other leaks. If you go into a restaurant around these parts
and old white haired Brenda is in there, you better whisper any secrets
because a Turkey may not have too much of a brain, but its hearing is
impeccable.
4. Claimed Big Jim Bundey’s business for subversive
behavior. Jim proclaimed Spurrier could be mayor or whatever and the good
Mayor Hogg took it as a serious threat. Jim, always trying to do the right
thing as zoning chief was given the pink slip by Mayor Hogg because it was
now one man rule. The mayor condemned the restaurant, hardware, antique
and gas station for the town under eminent domain. The antique store and
Jims place were divided. The antique store will become the Hogg winery,
cheese and fudge shop. Mayor Hogg loved his wine, especially blackberry
and the local wine made from muscadines (to educate Yankees, a big golden
grape and the bullis, a big purple grape). There were hoops of cheddar
cheese and all kinds of fudge, chocolate, peanut butter and maple. Now you
know where that 400 pound flab comes from.
Jim’s place became the Hoggshine fine liquor store. Hoggshine is sold in
three sizes, Drunk, Drunker and Drunkest. Samples are given to all Yankee
tourists when Chief Portley and Rocko are on duty. DUI charges in Ridgeway
are determined on an arm and a leg basis decided by one Robby Hogg. The
good thing is its not reported to the highway department and the money
goes into the Hogg Memorial highway fund.
5. The restaurant has been claimed under eminent domain
law to become the Hogg "pay through the snout" Clinic. Now J.D. can
testify that Hoop cheese is so delicious, but sitting out in the heat it
gets a greasy shine, you should never buy more than a quarters worth at a
time. Folks swear cheese constipates you, but you eat this and you better
be close to home or you'll wind up in Boss' clinic and imodium is $ 22.48
a bottle and $ 6.00 per tablet.
6. The beautiful and historic hardware store has been
claimed under the eminent domain law
 as
a homeless shelter for Yankees who have been displaced from paying the
towns fines while waiting on loved ones for additional funds. Yankees call
this shelter Ridmo. The torture they go through waiting for loved ones to
bail them our, Amnesty International and the United Nations are currently
investigating. Following are some of the atrocities:
A. Served grits three times a day with fatback
B. Maypops for dessert
C. Using Boss' outhouse with the yellow jacket nest on
the wall and corn cobs for toilet paper
D. If loved ones can't post bail in 10 days, you are
ordered to chop weeds out of Boss' Ridgeway Red fields. Accidentally chop
one of Bosses fine plants and an additional fine up to $ 3,000 will be
imposed depending on the size of the plant.
7. The Beauty Shop has been proclaimed the Hogg
Specialty Shop. This is for the connoisseur of smokers and the like
minded. Fine tobaccy, chawin tobaccy, wacky tobaccy, rabbit tobaccy,
Catawba cigars, pipes, bombs and several other contraptions are all
available. There’s real Havana Cigars imported and delivered by FedEx from
 Bosses
good buddy and confidant, Fidel. The Wacky tobaccy is Boss fine grade
Ridgeway Red, sold like rare coins, a dime, quarter, half and a full
silvah dollah. Rock candy is sold by the piece are incorporated into Lulus
fine cookies only instead of chocolate chips you get rock chips. The most
prized are 6 oz. cokes bottled in 1918, and a white powder tooth ache
medicine from the 30's. If it’s too strong Boss sells Bakin' Soda, Corn
Starch and so you don't get too carried away ivory soap.
8. The gas station has been condemned and turned into
Mayor Hoggs prize winnin' Bar B Que stand. You can get Mustard, Vinegar
and the terrible tastin Yankee special red bar b que. All orders come with
Hash and a sample of stash, Hogg Skins, Hogg Puppies, and the kids get
Hogg Dogs.
9. And Finally the Bank has been renamed the Bank of
Hoggway. Any and all loans are accepted. The local populace has to
guarantee the loan with property and the interest is currently at 57.2% on
all home, auto loans. CD's, no matter the length are gaining 1.1% per
annum and savings accounts are bringing in a whoppin .777% Checking is
free to all persons 55 or older who signs Mayor Hogg as executor to their
accounts. Mayor Hogg is also printing legal tender currency for the
locals. His Highness Mayor Hogg is on the 100, Jefferson Davis on the 50,
Hank Williams on the 20, Aunt Jamima is on the 10, Snuffy Smith on the 5,
J.D. ON THE 3, Paris Hilton on the 2, and Mammy Hogg on the one.
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