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FORMER MAYOR HOGG CAUGHT USING RACIAL SLURS After a tumultuous election earlier this year, former Mayor Dewphus "Boss" Hogg has been in a sourpuss mood, so much so that he has been seen several times in the local pharmacy buying Midol pills for himself. Last week, in a state of depression Mayor Hogg purchased a quart Mason Jar of Uncle Putsy's special moonshine from his Longtown Road headquarters. Now Uncle Putsy has mastered the art of moonshining and folks from these parts know it goes down so smooth but immediately lights up the belly and becomes truth serum for the brain when it hits the right nerves. Well our local highway patrolman, Hoggy Hoggstein, a gay black Ethiopian Jew was patrollin' Longtown Road when he witnessed our former Mayor a weavin' all over the road, crisscrossing tween lanes as he turned off on old 21. It took about a mile for the Hogg to realize the blue lights were on his fat ass, whence he proceeded to stop. Mayor Hogg was lit up like a Golden Menorah, ah well a Christmas Tree! He was singing the new Willie Nelson hit "Cowboys are secretly fond of each other sometimes". “Get out of the car Dewphus” yelled Captain Hoggstein, “you's drunk and whats that sweeet smellin' smoke coming from that Cegar and all that white talcum powder in the seat?” Mayor Hogg always thinking politics went into a tyrade of current events while singing the Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys hit song "They ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore, they ain't makin' carpenters that know what nails are for, but them Jews can drive them tanks at hezbollahs door" then paused and added “if I were mayor of Jewrusalem, I would tell my President to push my army to where it was, all a comin' from then the U.N. could dam as cas!” “Great strategy, Hogg” quoted Captain Hoggstein and Hogg interrupted again “and I think I would tell our attorney general, Lord Henry, I'm in favor of gay marriage. My cousin needs to be as miserable as I am married to Lulu. That faggot makes more money then all the rest of us cause he ain't got no one to support.” “And the N!#%ers Mayor Hogg holds his finger over his lips and says shhhhhh. “You can't say N!#%ers. Hold it Hogg!” says Captain Hoggstein. “But I supply and keep my N!#%ers happy. That sweet smellin' weed and powder buys em’ a new Palmetto tree each month for their front yard. They got to sell a lot of Hogg dope to get that, and I keep up the Honky Tonk and the tractor trailers that makes me prosperous and Longtown Road peaceful. I have everything controlled around here. I am the man, the law and I know how to get away with it. To top that off, Captain Hoggstein, we got Wops, Spics, Chinks, Wetbacks and Yankees movin' in our fair neighborhood.” By this time Captain Hoggstein had had his fill of Hogg and he had pushed every button the good captain could take. Rather than taking him to jail, Captain Hoggstein decided former Mayor Hogg needed a lesson in racial and religious diversity and civility. And to prove it he had to spend one day with each offending slur against the above. First he had to go to Granny Hoggsteins a direct disendent of Judah Benjamin the Confederate Secretary of State. She made him go to Saturday Service, the little beenie wouldn’t fit on the Hogghead. Mayor Hogg exclaimed “Sunday's free, I'm goin' fishin'.” She fixed lamb chops and potato pancakes and cornbread matzo balls for dinner. The Hogg scarfed it all down. “A chops a chop no matter where it came from and a taters a tater and cornbread in any shape is still cornbread” Mayor Hogg exclaimed! “I'm as kosher as I wanna be Mrs. Hoggstein, Jesus that was a good dinner", Hogg exclaimed as Granny Hoggstein fainted! Next it was on to J.D.'s where Mayor Hogg was treated to prunin' roses and fertilizin' all the fruits and veggies. Boss learned all the good fertilizin' tricks from J.D. on how to make flower buds fuller and more beautiful. He also learned the art of fine bakin' especially how to make cakes flufflier by siftin' the flour several times to make it finer. Hogg was lovin' community service and takin' it all in, learning how to save money and trim the fat on his illegal operations. Finally it was time to go to Portnoid Peabody's farm where Mayor Hogg had most of his enterprise. Boss arrives and right off the bat gets into stereotypin'. “Here I is Peavy, whats I's to do?” Peavy had a modern plow but decided to hook his two old Mules, Bonnie and Clyde, to an old plow where he proceeded to tell Mayor Hogg as he plowed that he used the mules for the Mayors special crop because a deep furrow makes for stiff stalks! Fifty pound sacks of sugar made good shine and when the Coke was shipped from South America as Dixie Crystals, it was shipped as diet Coke or Splenda. Peaby's wife Sally Mae had cooked up a mess of pigs feet, colored butterbeans, fried okra and maters, craklin' cornbread with yaller watermelon and chawklet cake. It was then that Mayor Hogg discovered genetics and finally realized we came from the same two people, he gained twenty pounds at the table and would'a gained ten more if Sally Maes and Peavy's 10 chillun' hadn't got to the table. At the diversity hearing, Captain Hoggphatt said "did you Dewphus Hogg learn anything bout diversity?” “I sho did captain. I'm a hebe for lamb chops, I'm queer over flowers and baking, and I'm Niggard for my pig feet and money!” Boss was promptly ushered into the jail for a nights stay. |
CASHBOX SINGLES
Copyright 2006 Cashbox Magazine Inc. |
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Mars: The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again. The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. By the end of
August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and
reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to
see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark
your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively
brighter and brighter throughout the month. Share this with your children
and grandchildren. NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN |
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25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROW UP... 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any
of them. |
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