Summer Potpourri
 

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?  Answers are below.

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2.  Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3.  A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5.  When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6.  Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7.  Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8.  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9.  The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10.  The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11.  The average housefly lives for one month.

12.  40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13.  A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14.  The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15.  Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16.  Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17.  The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water .

18.  The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19.  John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20.  Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21.  In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22.  Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23.  The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24.  Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25.  Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26.  If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. 

 Answers below...  

They are all TRUE....Now go back and think about #16!!!

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?     

Answer: because they are plugged into a genius     

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

Answer: they don't have enough time

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

Answer: they don't stop to ask directions

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

Answer: because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock. You're laughing, aren't you?!?!

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

Answer: so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

Answer: you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

Answer: don't know.....it never happened

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

Answer: because a "personal massager"  can't mow the lawn. Well, maybe?

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart......Then you are just an old sour fart.

The Difference between Work and Prison

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.  
 

@ PRISON

@ WORK

you spend the majority of your
time in a 10X10 cell
 

you spend the majority of your
time in an 8X8 cubicle

you get three meals a day fully paid for

you get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it


you get time off for good behavior


you get more work for good behavior


the guard locks and unlocks all the
doors for you


you must often carry a security card and
open all the doors for yourself


you can watch TV and play games


you could get fired for watching TV and playing games


you get your own toilet


you have to share the toilet with some people
who pee on the seat


they allow your family and friends to visit


you aren't even supposed to speak to your family


all expenses are paid by the taxpayers
with no work required


you get to pay all your expenses to go to work,
and they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for prisoners


you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out


you spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars


you must deal with sadistic wardens


they are called managers

 

 

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to surf the Internet.

PONDERISMS 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 

Life is sexually transmitted. 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the  hospital.  While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."  
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital  and have a face-lift,  brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by an ambulance and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years?  Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied,  "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"