FORMER RIDGEWAY MAYOR HOGG FILES SUIT A’GAIN THE NEW YANKEE TIMES

Local News

Former Mayor Dewphus Hogg has filed charges of espionage and defamation of character in a 100 million dolah lawsuit against that gawd awful news rag the New Yankee Times. He’s accusin' them of trying to do him and his good friends in, by disclosing top secret financial records on Ridgeway's "Pig on the Ridge".

For years our pompous former Mayor and friend Dom Dommer sponsored the event and the Town was to receive most of the proceeds. Well the Times has discovered secret high interest savings accounts, CD's and checking accounts at the First Possum Bank in Possum Holler, First Big Uns Bank up in Sugar Tit, and First Bank of the Confederacy in Bug Tussell. They made hundreds of thousands of dolahs and their best friends benefited from the investments which brings us to the best part of the Times story.

Our former Mayor decided to have a good ole boys party on the Island of Sumbitch, South Carolina and Mayor Hogg decided to invite his best friend and radio talk king, Pus Limpballs to be his special guest. Mayor Hogg was pushing an investment opportunity in his new high powered Vietra. It was guaranteed to lift the spirits of the 50 men in attendance. Boss’s advertisement says; if an erection last more than 4 hours, forget Doc Quackenbush, most of us ain't had that much fun playin' with ourselves since we was 13. Besides, I can't even see mine, but after one of them pills, I can feel like a fresh circumcised zucchini that’s just right firm and small.

Well Pus Liimballs jumped at the opportunity to own the first bottle. Having all those previous marriages end on a limp court order, this was just what the doctor ordered. Doc Quackenbush gave him a bottle, with his name on it to disguise, due to Pus's problems since the C.I.A., "the Confederate Intelligence Agency" had been after him for years for popping pills in his big mouth.

Well when Pus arrived back home in his private jet at "little Israel by the sea" he was detained for several hours when ex-Mayor Hoggs un-prescribed Vietra was discovered.

Po ole Pus; just think, what is the one who preaches family values, accusin' Ted of womanizin', is homophobic, the Prez's best friend, Pat Robertson and James Dobson’s 20 million man mouthpiece, the Christian Rights hero in arms, doing with 30 Vietra pills? He ain't even hitched no more.

Well, the New Yankee times went after Boss and Pus with a vengeance and Bill O'Really tried to come to their defense, but the icing on the cake, which so called “ended the controversy," was when the Boss wife, sweet plump Lulu stood side by side with Boss and Pus and insisted she gave him the Viegra as fertilizer for Pus's vegetable and flower garden. She said “The tomato plants would be firm and hard with no need for stakin” and Pus just loved Lulu's beautiful white Pearly Gates Mornin' Glories. I’ve never seen a Mornin' Glory without a fence, but Lulu claimed her vines were all rigid and the flowers more beautiful from Boss' Vietra fertilizer. The press was hard pressed to counter sweet Lulu and the Christian Right sang praises to the Pearly Gates Morning Glory!

As Saint Peter and Jesus looked down on all the commotion, Peter looked over at Jesus and said "you created them" whence Jesus replied "Peter, you’ve lied too,” which Saint Peter replied "I hope they have air conditioning cause I already know what you got planned for that crowd!”
 

GRANDMA HOGG IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern smalltown prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a twobit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Bubba, Boss Hogg Junior and the Blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.”
Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
  
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
  
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
  
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
  
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
  
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.