President Announces Surrender in War on Traditional American Values

Bush to hand over control of government to nation’s gays
Editors Note
We have granted Lucious Hoggphatt free reign with these two new columns. We have to allow impartiality to our liberal Democratic writers. Lucious fits the definition of a real Democrat, an honest forthright Jackass. You got to know Lucious, stubborn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and unmoving in his views. After the primary elections in South Carolina we're now so red we ought to change our flag and the crescent to a sickle and hammer! Lucious has as much chance of seeing a Democrat elected to state office as South Carolina having a gay U.S. senator. Um. I need to rephrase that to a female senator.

 

By Lucious P. Hoggphatt

Arkansas Pigfarmer (AP)

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning, shocking and somber moment, President George W. Bush assembled his cabinet in the White House Rose Garden today to sign the surrender documents in America’s defense of Traditional Values and officially hand over the reigns of government to the victors, homosexuals.

“This has been a long, hard-fought battle, on both side,” the president said, with a subtle, almost imperceptible nod to his chief advisor, Karl Rove. “We are all glad to see it finally resolved.”

With a trembling hand, the president then put his official mark, a jagged, shaky “X,” on the bottom line of the surrender documents.

“I trust that all Americans everywhere, particularly here in America, which is where so many Americans live, will join me in welcoming our new overlords, the Ho-Mo-Sex-You-Ahls.”

The now former president then handed over the pen with which he had signed the surrender documents to the representative of the Queer Alliance, General Geoff Smyth, of San Francisco, Cal.

General Smyth accepted the surrender pen, adjusted his ascot, then warmly embraced our vanquished leader, Mr. Bush.

“We humbly accept this capitulation,” Smyth said, planting a sloppy wet kiss square on Bush’s mouth, “and we want to assure every American that we have a comprehensive 14-point plan for the total redecoration of this great country. I mean, it’s a great country and all, but you have to admit it’s a little drab.”

Smyth, puffing idly on a Salem 100 menthol cigarette, said his first act of office will be to create a Minister of the Interior Decorating cabinet position, which will oversee the reorganization of everything from the colors on our nation’s flag, to the colors of interstate highway signs, as well as the landscaping around our nation’s homes and trailer parks.

The victory of the Queer Alliance, which was solidified last week when Congress overwhelmingly passed an amendment to the Constitution defining “marriage” as “only between two or more people of the same gender,” came as no surprise to the remnants of the nation’s heterosexual minority, who, decimated by the war’s fallout, have been cowering for months in reinforced bunkers of concrete, steel and Betty Grable pinups in America’s Heartland.

“We’ve been hanging on by a thread for months,” said Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and the leader of the Traditional Values Resistance since April, when then-leader Rev. Pat Robertson suddenly and inexplicably took Ralph Reed, former head of the Christian Coalition, to be his lawfully wedded wife. “American society’s permissiveness began in 1981 with that dreadful ‘Love Sidney’ show starring Tony Randall. By the time ‘Will and Grace’ went off the air, we knew it was only a matter of time.”

The Bush administration, however, maintained to the end that the entire turn of events was completely unexpected.

“I don’t think anyone could have anticipated ‘fill in the blank’,” Bush said, reading from a 5-by-7 index card. The deposed president then smirked, blushed, chortled, cleared his throat, and added, “uhm, I mean, could have anticipated an insurgency in Iraq would hijack an airplane, fly it into a hurricane, breach the levies, and, uhm . . . a ho-mo-sex-you-ahl victory.”

The swift, sudden and impeccably stylish victory of the Queer Alliance was credited in part to the stealth infiltration of Traditional American forces and the White House by undercover operatives, known among the Alliance as “Coat Hangers,” for their “in-the-closet” activities while “smoking” out Traditional intelligence.

James Dale Guckert, a gay male prostitute operating under the name Jeff Gannon, infiltrated the White House Press Corps in 2003 and made more than 200 overnight visits to the White House over a 22-month period. During that time, Guckert was able to collect valuable intelligence in the administration’s war efforts, as well as lucrative tips and cab fare.

“No matter where I went within the hallowed halls of Washington,” said Guckert, who has been tapped by Smyth as Press Secretary for the new Queer Government, “they always treated me like a lady.

“Never underestimate the power of pillow talk,” he added.


Understanding Genesis

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and planted broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good ." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its now famous double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.
Native American Tribes Pledge Support For Immigration Reform


On The Lighter Side!

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom Is baking.

He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go
show your father".

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white
boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira, abuelita, I'm a
white boy "

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies,

"Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.

 

By Lucious P. Hoggphatt

 

mountain of the grey spirit that soars like the mighty eagle (ap)—Leaders of the remnants of America’s indigenous peoples rallied here this week on the last remaining square acre of their homeland to voice their support for new, tougher immigration legislation.

The five chieftains—Shane O’Harrigan, of the Lakota tribe; Gerhardt Schmidt, of the Apache tribe; Walter Pulaski, of the Navajo tribe; Santino Cosenza, of the Shoshone tribe; and Emmanuel Goldstein, of the Catawba tribe—met in private for four hours, smoking and deliberating on a course of action before emerging from their wigwam at sunrise to issue a proclamation to Congress and the White House, demanding stricter immigration laws and coming down on the side of hardliners by supporting mass deportations.

“The sudden and unlawful surge of undocumented foreigners across our borders has stripped Americans of vital jobs and has created a drain on our basic infrastructure,” O’Harrigan said. “And their hunting practices have also practically depleted our sacred buffalo heard.”

Like the other chieftains, who together represent the Union of Native American Peoples (UNAP), O’Harrigan calls for the deportation of some 290 million “non-natives” to their various European countries of origin. Known as the “Back to Europe” movement, the concept is rapidly gaining ground among Native Americans.

“It is time to return to their native shores the pale demons, who sailed to our lands on the backs of great white sea birds 500 years ago,” Cosenza said, “who stole our land, who broke their treaties, then stole our land some more.”

“Oh, and killed all our buffalo,” he added.

Before the arrival of the White Man, Goldstein said, the women of his people spent all day cooking and cleaning, mending clothes and raising children, while the men spent their days hunting and fishing, then going home to sleep with their choice of seven wives.

“There was no such thing as an alarm clock, rush hour or credit card debt,” he said. “Leave it to the White Man to screw up a sweet deal like that.”

Pulaski said that a nationwide program of deportation should begin immediately for anyone without ancestors existing in America before 1492.

Asked how such a mass exodus should be carried out, Pulaski replied, “I dunno. A bus, or something . . . ? Or maybe another one of them great white sea birds.”