Mayor Hogg, J.D. Hogg, Bertha Hogg and Effie Pearl Pickette have invested in a brilliant marketing franchise scheme with McDonalds fast food chain to create a first of its kind fast food for the local populace as well as all Yankees comin' south on I-77. Bargain basement prices are being offered at this McDonalds because the consumer is being saved the high cost of delivery because all of the fixin's are found locally. The main reason the cost has been slashed is because of the legalization of road kill as a consumer product, and the discarding of perfectly good animal parts by Caintucky Fried Bird. The menu has also been cut to six main items and sides. The first item is the famous quawter pounder with cheeze.
     1. Quarter Pounder with cheese consist of one quawter pound of ground venison, with one eighth pound of ground possum and squirrell for added flavor with a slice of molded green cheeze, wilted lettuce, gooey mater with hot pepper juice and vinegar to kill off any aftertaste. Guaranteed fresh road kill flavor. Only 59c
     2. Chicken McNuggets are a real bargain at 20 for 99c. The McNuggets are guaranteed fresh chicken butt made from what the Colonel never uses or sells. They come in three varieties, extra krispy, boney and outright tooth cruncher delight, guaranteed to pull the cap off any tooth, pull the last three teeth in your mouth (saves on dental bills) or checks your dentures for the strength of super polygrip.
     3. The famous Franch fries are really tasty. We only use the finest black potatoes and mushy turnips to create a fry like no other. You can even teach yo chillun with the shaped hash browns. They's shaped like Coons, Possums, Deer, King Snakes, Squirrels, Cooters. For the hungry man in political crisis there is the two pounder hash brown shaped like Mayor Hogg. For some they squirt ketchup on certain spots on this Hogg Brown, taking out fantasized frustrations.
     4. The fish sandwich is really not fish but the culinary delight road kill, slow roasted cooter. For Yankees a cooter is a particularly slow turtle that hasn't made it to the other side of the road in time. If a cooter makes it to the other side of the road in these parts he's guaranteed sainthood in the Baptist church.
     5. All items come with fresh fruit in season, blackberries, watermelon, Hogg plums, Hogg Peaches, sweet taters, punkins, nanners, plumagranites, haws and maypops.
Now we'll see how educated our local populace is. You should recognize all the fruits and that includes gooseberries.
     6. However we have saved the grandest of all our menu items for last and that is the Mc Rib. If you are a Hogg or any kin to the Hogg clan we would nevah open a franchise like this without including our own kind.
     However DNA says there's a difference tween four legs and two. Our Mc Ribs come with the three great varieties of South Carolina sause: Mustard, Vinegar or the God help us Yankee tomato base. The McRib is served with a big bowl of Polk Salad topped with bacon, ham, sausage, chitlins, fatback and cracklins topped with sour cream, Blue cheeze, and ranch dressing for only $1.19. It is listed on the menu as the triple coronary special and for a real bargain at $ 19.95 you can eat all you want and it comes with two enteric Bayer aspirin, one Lipitor tablet, one Zocor tablet, one Glucontrol tablet, a free tour of Pope Funeral Home and a 50% discount from the Hogg Casket Company, free lettering on your stone from Philips Granite, one free visit to doc Quackums office and a visit from the AFLAC Quacker.

WE THE HOGG FAMILY GUARANTEE RIDGEWAY MCDONALDS TO BE BEEF FREE AND NO COWS OR BULLS HAVE BEEN INJURED OR KILLED ON OUR BEHALF!
 

This is the reason we have such deer overpopulation in South Carolina. “In the last decade, from the Rockies to New England and the Deep South, rural and suburban areas have been beset by white-tailed deer gnawing shrubbery and crops, spreading disease and causing hundreds of thousands of auto wrecks,” The New York Times reported this week. “Fast-multiplying herds are altering the ecology of forests, stripping them of native vegetation and eliminating niches for other wildlife.”

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of a Southerners mind, especially Ridgeway, the following list will now be provided to anyone entering our town limits from Yankeeland.
     1. That farm boy you see at our gas station did more work chasing the sheep and chickens before breakfast then you do all week at the gym.
     2. Its called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on that Lincoln Navigator of yorn. Drive it or get the hell out of my way.
     3. The red dirt--its called clay. Red clay. If you don't like the color don't wash your car for a couple of weeks, it'll be permanent.
     4. We all started huntin' and fishin' when weun's was seven yers old. Yeah we watched the Bambi movie too. We got over it.
     5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you catch. BAIT
     6. Pull your dad blasted pants up. Say no to crack!
     7. If that gawl darn cell phone rings while a flock of mallards are coming in, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure its not up to your ear at the time.
     8. No there ain't no pansy vegetarian special on the menu. Order steak or poke chops. Order it rare or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of poke skins and fatback.
     9. Tea---Hell yeah! we have tea. It comes in a tall glass over ice and sweetened with lots of REAL SUGAR. You want it hot, put it in the sun or go back to England. You want it unsweetened add a quart of water.
     10. You bring Coke into my house it better be brown, wet and served over ice
     11. You have a $60,000 car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million combine we only use twice a year
     12. Lets get this straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when its red. We might even stop if its yellow. If we're in a fowl mood or in a hurry we're color blind so watch you ass.
     13. We eat dinnah with our families. We say the blessin' before we eat- yeah even breakfast. We go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and high school football games on Friday. We still address our seniors as Sir and Ma'am and we still take Sunday drives to check on our neighbors and catch up on the latest gossip.
     14. We don't " Hurry Up " well. We'll Be there in a few has no time limit.
     15. Greens- yeah we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or smoked hog jowl.
     16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want that sushi and caviar. Hell, that's at the bait shop.
     17. They is pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it. Try speedin' through our fair town again.
     18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe cheese or pepper. It is an abomination to put milk and sugar on them. You want cream of wheat, go to Kansas.
     19. The "opener" refers to the first day of deer or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup and sausage before daylight and at the church or either day.
     20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah its called being friendly. Understand the concept. If they stop and their eight track is playing dueling banjos , they think you look like Ned Beatty.
     21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the gators and if you hit it in the rough we have diamondbacks and they ain't playin' baseball.
     22.  That highway man that just pulled you over for speedin' like an idiot, the first thing is says is Wal, thats law spelled backwards, his name is "Sir" no matter how young or what color he is..
     23. We have lots of pine trees. We have sap. It drips from them. You park under them and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
     24. You burn an American flag in this state and You will get beat up. No Questions. Burn a Confederate flag and you get a free plot. And if you burn a Rainbow flag you might get the order of the Palmetto from the Governor.
     25. A black eyed Susan is a beautiful flower not a domestic quarrel.
     26. Ah axed you a question Yankee doesn't mean you're about to experience the Ridgeway chainsaw massacre
    27. I knowed he had tooken my mowney, but he brung it back to me when I axed him the question.? Speak to me in plain Anglish.
     28. Know the difference between black and gay civil rights.
You know that brothers black.
     29. Know what a first experienced girl says here after the first encounter. Get the hell offa me mayor, you're mashin'
mah cigarettes.
     30. Church meeting' in the South should not be complete without one of the elderly ladies commenting to one of their counterparts, My My you look like a fawty dollah mule looking over a white washed fence!


Edited by Jefferson Davis Hogg Jr.