MAYOR HOGG LOSES IN HISTORICAL "LANDSLIDE" ELECTION

As much as the staff of RidgewaySouthCarolina.Com loved the buffoonery, arrogance, bluster and lard of Mayor Hogg, we're also very proud of our citizenry of the Town of Ridgeway... who woke up April 5th and it was 2006 not 1906!

Till the very end however Mayor Hogg was grasping at straws. Rumors that seem to carry some credibility are:

1.  Asked the election commission in Columbia for 50 absentee ballots so his constituents could vote that couldn't be here on election day. Reckon it was because they don't live in Ridgeway or heaven or hell can't vote from the grave?
The election commission turned him down flat!

2.  Told disenfranchised minority voters that if they lived within 4 miles of the town limits they had the right to vote and told them it was a new state law. When they tried to vote and couldn't they were madder than hell at Mayor Hogg.

3.  Best friend? , Denny Mixon took a Boss Hogg Gallup Poll two days before the election and informed Boss he would win by a landslide. He wobbled around town in comfort while sweet Charlene's team were getting ready to make history. The town has a population of 350 and 118 voted on election day.

We won't however kill off our main character. He was caught on his new scooter the day after in a rather compromising position. Seems Chief Portley finally got to stick it where the sun don't shine.

This brings us to our Mayor elect. One of the things Boss was saying is you would fire all the town employees. I don't believe this for a minute, but there are one or two that need to go that were so loyal to Mayor Hogg I wouldn't trust them for a minute. Here are some of the staff suggestions to help get you started on the right foot.

1. Ask for a complete financial accountability of the Pig on the Ridge event and find out where ALL the money went...and don't take anyone's word for it. Ask for proof and if you don't get it call in the Infernal Revenue Service.

2. Expand the tax base so Ridgeway can survive. Annex down Hood, Peach, both ends of Hwy. 34 and 21 South before Blythewood does. They (Blythewood) are closing in on Ridgeway fast. This is something the town would never do before because they might actually get some minority voters.

3. Develop the auditorium into an entertainment complex to generate money for the town.

4. Preserve the towns history. The Century House should be first and create a museum there. Pass an ordinance to create new business by pressing owners of abandoned buildings (being an abandoned building doesn't constitute it as being historical) to either find a tenant or create an incentive positive (or negative) for the owners to get off their keesters and do something. Slap an additional abandoned building tax on them. There's no excuse for this, it makes the town look abandoned.

5. Support our police department. Chief Portley and Rocko had to stay neutral but they're behind you 100%.

DeLay Spending More Time Laundering With His Family

By Lucious P. Hoggphatt

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Once the most powerful man in Congress, former Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced last week that he would be putting aside his political criminal life to spend more time laundering money for his family and committing crimes in the private sector.

“I’ve devoted 12 years to defrauding the American people,” DeLay said, “and let’s face it, I’ve stolen just about every gosh-darned cent I could get my hands on. I think now is a good time to retire to the private sector, where the big bucks are. You know, corporate pensions, the stock market, that sort of stash.”

The feisty Texas Republican House leader leaves under a cloud of indictments, not only against himself, but several top staffers as well. Some indicted staffers have begun to turn state’s evidence and cooperate with federal prosecutors, and some critics have accused DeLay, who was running behind by double-digits in his reelection campaign, of professional cowardice.

“Nonsense,” DeLay said. “All of this stuff about the ‘law’ is just part of a Liberal plot to discredit me.”

DeLay, who originally entered politics because he was pissed-off at the government for banning DDT (a product he used heavily in his extermination business), said he will have his hands full after officially stepping down this summer, helping his wife launder a “significant amount” of money earned as a paid member of his staff.

What she did to earn her “significant” salary is yet unknown.

Afterwards, DeLay said he will personally take on the task of redistricting of his family, even though Constitutionally the family cannot be redistricted until after the next census in 2010. The present districting, he said, does not accurately reflect the current family climate, and he plans to wield the same skills he used to diminish Democratic districts in his home state.

“Presently, with me being in Washington so much, my wife simply has too much control of the remote,” DeLay said, “and is not spending enough time in the kitchen – where a good, Christian, Republican, child-incubating woman should be! Although ‘leeee-gally’ we’re not due for a redistricting for another four years, I’m coming home and I’m gonna carve that house up like Jack The Ripper.”

With the majority of his Congressional staff either in prison or under indictment, DeLay said he will tap recently ousted former Ridgeway mayor Boss Hogg as Chief of Staff of his Family.

Jones, who was last seen weeping hysterically behind the dumpsters of the Olde Town Restaurant late in the night of April 4, was unavailable for comment.

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