MAYOR HOGG SHOOTS J.D. HOGG

    Hold the presses! A bulletin has arrived at ridgewaysouthcarolina.com that our editor and chief Jefferson Davis Hogg Jr., J.D. for short has been accidentally shot by the illustrious Mayor Dewphus Hogg.

Seems the two were in a hunting group near Bug Tussell hunting the Southern delicacy, the Bob White Quail. All of the hunters were supposed to be spaced adequately apart but Mayor Hogg and J.D. were too close for comfort, jawing, talking trash and belittling each other with every step. Well the two sensed they were about to flush out of covey of quail, a sense even these two know from a Southern kinship with the woods, when J.D., all 225 pounds of light stepping Pillsbury Dough Boy tradition, stepped on a lush mound of a green thriving bunch of "Maypops". (To all uneducated and or ignorant Yankees, the "Maypop" is actually called botanically a Passion Flower but its unripe round green pods sound like gunfire when stepped on)

     Well the covey of quail flew up and the Mayor in a fit of Passion, besides being pissed off at J.D., fired accidentally hitting J.D. with birdshot in the right asscheek. J.D. screamed, fell down again, only to find he had disturbed the Ridgeway legendary rattler "Jake the Snake." Terrorized at the sight of 225 pounds of J.D. making him a belt, Jake let out a strike and bit J.D. on the left buttcheek. By custom no one was ever allowed to kill Jake, he was the King of Snakes in these parts.

    Mayor Hogg, fearing retributions in an election year rushed to J.D.'s aid and in a fit of frustration went into a raving conniption fit.

    “You let the quail get away you sumbitch! All the articles you wrote about me in the last year, I ought to let you lay there in agony, but I got an election to win.” J.D. yelled,

    “Mayor I'm a fadin' fast, the buckshot, that can be taken care of, but that rattlesnake bite(now J.D. had taken some snake anti venom before the hunt, just in case Big Jake was there) you got to suck out the poison where Jake got me” said J.D.

    It didn't take but two big sucks from the 400 pound Hogg to get rid of 90% of the poison which he spit on the Maypops which immediately wilted. Mayor Hogg looked at J.D. and said "If you ever say anyting about this…"

    The rest of the hunting party arrived before the Mayor could finish. All the Hogg clan got J.D. to the hospital. Mayor Hogg and J.D. didn't bag one quail, but a suck on the tail saved a life. Mayor Hogg was praised for saving J.D.'s life by supposedly calling the hunting party to the buckshot he had implanted in J.D.'s behind even though some of the populace sited it was done accidentally on purpose.

    Now the story doesn't end here. Seems Big Jim Bundy is running for Mayor, and being in law enforcement for many years didn't buy Mayor Hoggs account of the story. They say money can buy anything in Fairfield County, so Jim paid Doc Quackaflac a hunnert dollars for J.D.'s medical records from the incident. It was public record J.D. had been shot by the Mayor, but not known to the Public the Mayor saved J.D. by kissing his ass. So Big Jim created a bumper sticker that has stirred much Public interest. ‘J.D. the only ass the Mayor ever kissed!’

    Now this account is hereby established by J.D. Hogg, Notary Public for the STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA. My commission expires Feb. 1, 2016. And today February 18th is J.D.'s 29th birthday. (And from all the staff, he’s a #$%^&*(@liar! Even we can figure 2006 from 1949.)

Zoo tempts gay penguins to go straight

A German zoo has imported four female penguins from Sweden in an effort to tempt its gay penguins to go straight.

The four Swedish females were dispatched to the Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen after it was found that three of the zoo's five penguin pairs were homosexual.

Keepers at the zoo ordered DNA tests to be carried out on the penguins after they had been mating for years without producing any chicks.

It was only then they realised that six of the birds were living in homosexual partnerships.

Director Heike Kueck said that the zoo hoped to see some baby penguins in the coming months.

She said that the birds had been mating for years and one couple even adopted a stone that they protected like an egg.

Kueck said that the project has the support of the European Endangered Species Programme because the penguins, which are native to South America, are an endangered species.

A biologist will be on hand to monitor the experiment.

But introducing the Bremerhaven penguins to their new Swedish friends may not be as successful as hoped after earlier experiments revealed great difficulties in separating homosexual couples.

In case they show no interest, the zoo has also flown in two new male penguins "so that the ladies don't miss out altogether", Kueck added.

A German zoo has scrapped plans to break up homosexual penguin couples following protests from gay rights groups.

The Bremerhaven Zoo had earlier flown in four female Humboldt penguins in an attempt to encourage three couples discovered to be all male to reproduce.

The zoo originally defended the experiment, claiming that the birds were an endangered species, but following protests from gay rights groups, director Heike Kueck has said that the zoo is abandoning the plan.

She said: "Everyone can live here as they please."

Kueck said that it was neither her intention nor possible to separate the gay couples by force and interest them in their new female companions.

She added that the penguins had shown little interest in their new female companions but said that the programme could have been started too late in the year.

Gay groups had earlier protested against "the organised and forced harassment through female seductresses" in an open letter to Bremerhaven's Mayor Joerg Schulz.