the Valentines day massacre

It’s that time a year when Hoggomonics of the stock market suggest investing in flower shops, chawkolett factories, and greetin' cards. It’s the same all over the CSA, especially Ridgeway, where all the specialty stores are obvious to any outsider. There’s Hoggmark, Hogg Flower Shop, and Hoggs Chawkolett shop & fine Pastries and an online company called Ridgewayteddy.com. However it has been reported, and just like the National Inquisitor, checked and rechecked for accuracy, that a couple from Ridgeway celebrated Valentines Day early.

Seems one of our outstanding reporters Bertha Hogg and her Beau John Boy Hogg decided to take an ocean cruise or as Bertha states, a honeymoon cruise. According to Bertha, it was a wonderful cruise, but one notwithstanding its amusing moments. Seems John Boy decided to go out on the deck early for some morning air when some Bimbo tried to put the make on him. Poor John Boy knew Bertha was on the way up and he broke out in hives as Bertha arrived, the look Bertha gave the Bimbo would have burned holes though paper. Later that day John Boy went to the laundry room only to be blinded by a half naked, boob slingin' hussey who wanted to converse with po John. This time he ran from the scene hummin' a tune all the way. Bertha didn't recognize the tune but J.D. is here to reveal it. It was the classic Little Jimmy Dickens hit from 1966 and it went something like this:
Where were You When The Ship Hit The Sand
I Said I was In There Praying for Dry Land
With my eyes, tongue and blood rushing to my hand
Where will I be when the ship hits the sand.
Now one of those verses was just added but all went well and the lovely couple is spendin' a dry Valentines Day on Lake Wannabee.

Now at Forrest Hoggs Chawcolett Shop, little Brat Hogg was up to his usual mischief. Only 12 years old and not interested in girls yet, decided to make someone’s life miserable for Valentines. He had a fight earlier in the week with his Aunt Beulah Hogg over the last chitlin' left on the platter, the two stabbed each other with forks and he hadn't forgot it. Little Brat saw Uncle Boris coming in to buy the biggest box of chawcoletts for his lovely 400 pound willowbeast. Little Brat said let me open this expensive box and make sure all the pieces are in there, bad mistake, when Boris turned his head to pay, little Brat replaced 6 chawcolettes with ex-lax. Once Boris arrived home she gave him a big slobber knocker, gobbled up the whole box of chawcolettes on top of creamed Possum and rice she had just consumed. She took her weekly bath and told Boris it was his lucky night, early to bed, early to rise. Well the bed got to rockin', her belly started growlin', and Ridgeway Volcano erupted after a five thousand year silence. Paint was ripped off the walls, FEMA declared the Boris Hogg farm a natural disaster area, President Bush said Beulahs Chawcolettes were imported from Iraq proving once and for all the existence of WMD's. Boris and Beulah were quarantined for a week and high pressured hosed with dove soap and Lysol.

Meanwhile at ridgewayteddy.com, the teddy's weigh a hunnert pounds each so all the voluptuous women in these heah parts have an equal to hug up to. The teddy even sings a special tune when pushed in his fat tummy a rendition of "Dentures in the Glass".
The Hoggmark Shop had all the special Valentine Cards at 50% off, double retail. The biggest selling card was one that read:
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Your boobs make me think
Of Mountain Dew
There were cards for all the ladies and some Humpback cowboys that just addresses your love in affectionate Southern terms; Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch, Sweetie Pie, Punkin', Sugar Lips, Honey Bunn, Dumplin', Darlin', Sweet Pea and Sugar Lump

And speakin' of royal hissy fits, Hoggs flower shop’s shipment of Roses arrived with a hitch. All of em was black. So all of the Hogg men had to come up with an ingenious way for the Roses to be sent to their better halves, fearing reprisals, signed them in such a way that hinted, some Valentines Day love makin'
To Anastasia---You Betcha!
To Claire---Sho' Nuff
To Ruby---You Got That Right!
To Missy---I Can Dance To That
To Beulah---You Said A Mouthful
To Bertha---I'm Heah to tell Ya
To Scott---Yes siree Bob
To Beaverhousin'--- Whoooee! You Ain't kiddin'
To Lulu---You Hit The Nail On the Head
To Sassy Mae---Ain't It The Truth
To Annabelle---Yep
To Inabelle---Yup
To Joetta---Umhum
To Ozella---All righty
To Dora Mae---Okey Dokey

With all the black roses and disasters, all in all Valentines came and went with the Hoggs in lovey dovey splendor if only for a day. In the end you could hear all the Hogg women quoting Scarlett O' Hogg "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, tomorrow will be a Hogg beatin' day!
 

How Cows are Distributed!

A Christian: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.

A Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

An American Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

American Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

Fascist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Democracy American Style: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a forign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Capitalism American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a heard of cows.

Bureaucracy American Style: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for one hundred years, eat once a month and milk them selves.

British Corporation: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the Shepard’s Pie, please.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch and have a beer.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Brazilian Corporation: You have two cows. You enter into a partner ship with n American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the America corporation declares bankruptcy.

Indian Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them both.

Chinese Corporation: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsperson who reported on them.

Israeli Corporation: There are these two Jewish cows…right? They open a milk factory and an Ice Cream Store. They sell the movie rights. They send their calf’s to Harvard to become doctors, so who needs people?

Ridgeway Corporation: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Contributed by the NC Iwanna.