RIDGEWAY NEWS ALERT BULLETIN

Just before press time it was learned that the Fairfield County Tax Collector has sent a tax bill for over $200.00 for the Longtown Presbyterian Church CEMETARY. It says if taxes are not paid within 30 days the property will be auctioned on the Courthouse steps. For those of you from around these parts, just imagine your loved ones being auctioned on the courthouse steps.
     And for those who knew Buster, God rest his soul he would be on those steps in spirit and probably ask God for a convenient earthquake to get rid of the stupidity that exist in this county. By my calculation of residents, the surviving loved ones need to cough up .23 cents per deceased. I suggest we pay the county in votes come election time. Even a computer can't be this stupid.

THE BOOK OF HOGG MEETS HUMPBACK MOUNTAIN
by Elvis Hogg
 
Preacher Porky P. Hogg has called an emergency congregational meeting at the Hoggphatt Baptist Church to discuss recent Hollywood escapades with Mayor Hogg, deacons J.D. and Ben Hogg and the whole Hogg clan that attends Hoggphatt. Seems the Book of Hogg TV Series on TIC network (Truth in Christianity) was getting their story lines from an insider from Hoggphatt Baptist Church. Rev. Porky P. Hogg exclaimed in his own words "I'm gawl damned tired of it"!!
Seems the story line on a small town Ridgeway preacher almost broke the back off Ridgeway Mountain. All the publicity had all the self righteous hypocrites up in arms and the meeting commenced with a word of prayer and several hallelujahs or two from all the snarled snouts from the Hogg clans. The church was comprised of the main Hogg family, offshoots and inbreeding made up the Hoggphatts and Hoggshines and one little feller John the Baptist Hoggalmighty, whose family had died off. John was a good man, honest and true, one Jesus would visit from time to time to help John let out the truth on the clan.
The newest script arrives via Confederate Express. Jesus comes in and sits next to John and whispers "the rapture might occur sooner than you think, they're a fixin' to come out of those pews!"
"I'll be with you John the Baptist Hoggalmighty, I feel like I'm going to be saying a lot of “Shaloms" in a Baptist Church!” “I do like a good show on sin” Rev. Porky Hogg shouts “they have yo's truly rollin' a blunt off Ridgeway Red to ease my hemorrhoid pain, sold to me by mah precious daughter Ruby Ann Hogg, who don't like nuthin' green.”
And have any of you seen me high except at Pig on the Ridge from all that good Poke and Chicken. And look they have Mayor Hogg scrawin' every third cousin Hoggphatt, namely Claire Bunnslinger Hoggphatt and Sassy Mae ‘six fingers’ Hoggphatt. Ones 80 and the other 19, both weigh only a hunnert pounds buck naked. Now you all know our good Mayor would be charged with manslaughter, he would crush either one of them with all the lard attached to him.
And to top this they have Anastasia Beaverhousin' Hogg having a lesbeterian affair with Missy Ann Hoggshine after her husband Brag Pitt Hogg hopsconndled off with the church building fund. Then there’s Cleo Patra Hogg, my lovely wife sloppin' down jars of Hoggshine from a bad cold she’s claimed she’s had for five years. Then they have my gayneck son, Almond Joy Hogg, a log cabin republican, who's always lookin' for new nuts to crack, which brings me to the most slanderous part of the script concerning Ridgeway's Humpback Mountain where gayneck lovers discover their true selves.
I never heard of Humpback Mountain. The church fell silent, all were in a state of shock and then all hell broke lose as John the Baptist Hoggalmighty was convicted to tell the truth with Jesus sitting next to him.
John looked over at Jesus, Jesus looked at him and said "John its time to speak in tongues, but lets just make it Southen English today. John jumped to his feet, shouted Preacher Hogg down and said its time to listen to honest John. I nevah spoke bad about anyone and this script Hollywood sent us is rough but someone knows the truth and He's a sittin' in here and you can't see Him. Now Preacher Porky, I've been in yo church office several times and you ain't a burnin' incense. You're happy, smilin' and keep bringing up a verse out of Genesis where God blessed the herbs and seeds, and yo daughter loves green especially when folks pay her with Grant or Franklin. And you of all people thing she got that new Cadillac working at McDougalls. And Mayor Hogg theres more'n one way to fawnicate. "Jesus knows yo crooked christian behind and knows you wasn't bobbin' fir apples!"
An Anastasia Beaverhousin' and Missy Ann are like two lezzy dinosaurs, they called lickalotofp$%^, whoa John, said Jesus, keep it cool. And Cleo Patra has drink enough "cold remedy", the tylenol on the shelves around here went out of date in 1999. And your son Almond Joy, hes the only one that ain't hidin' it. The church was in an uproar, but then John exclaimed, I got a story to tell and its the honest truth, you all know me. I will never divulge real names, so as to make you all think your sins smaller cause it ain't. There is a humpback mountain in Ridgeway. It is off'n a main thoroughfare not too far from the old gold mine.
Its where Bray Willie Hogg and third cousin Scotty "too hotty" Hoggphatt met as teens and fell in love on Humpback Mountain. In all seasons three or four times a week they would drive to their secluded spot, an absolutely beautiful spot near a big boulder, they had dreams and would spread the blanket on the ground and picnic, and yes the other. Its amazing in a small town they never got caught and no one was suspicious. They both went to the same church every week and I know their heart was right, His Grace is sufficient even in wrongdoing. They told me how they played tricks on one another and had so much fun. I'm not Ned, you're not Beatty and even though we're both Hoggs in name "we don't squeal like a pig".
One day a big buck came too close for comfort, Bray saw him but Scotty didn't. He reached up and slipped Dueling Banjos in the tape player and nearly scared Scotty to death. From Jr. High through College these two had this ritual and they made a pack, they would always be together in spirit and love. As with small towns, you're forced into living a lie which is so sad because someone gets hurt. Both married local girls who knew their secret, but the bond between four has kept this incredible secret from ever manifesting itself. They live in different states now, they were married within a month of each other, both have kids, and have been married over 10 years. They go to church every Sunday, and on holidays they come home to Ridgeway and the wives give them the time together their husbands need.
They travel back to Humpback Mountain, never seen, never heard. The loggers have since devastated the beauty of the place, but the Rock of Ages never moved. Honest John in classy style, said I ain't gonna judge no one, he looked over to Jesus and said "that’s left to the one we don't see but our faith is there". Jesus smiled back at John and asked John to open his Bible and the verse would appear as Ecclesiastes 6:10 All things are decided by fate; it was known long ago what each man would be, so there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny" The Hoggphatt church was spellbound. No one to this day knows and never will, secrets remain in the heart of those that are honest with themselves. Sad part is in this case it worked. Then John gave a final lesson. If you don't want Hollywood script writers to write story lines about you, then don't do the things that get you caught. Jesus looked over at John, nodded his head in approval and said to John silently, you know the one thing and the biggest word in the dictionary that I gave the human race was "freewill" and you delivered it big time! The Book of Hogg is hearby cancelled but Humpback Mountain will exist as long as there’s a planet.