Speed Trap is Nuthin but Trouble!


Update on the dumping story!

     In a new interview Boss is quoted as saying, I Jefferson Davis Hogg Jr. county commissioner have commissioned a special investigative unit to look into why Bobby Larnettt turned yours truly and my favorite nephew and mayor Dewphus Hogg over to those Columbia hooligans for doin' a little dumpin'. Upon investigation by mah special unit, the CIA (THE CONFEDERATE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY) I learned that my neighbor Bobby is actually employed by the scalawags in Columbia for the Dept. of Hogg Envy Control or DHEC.

     I have decided that Bobby needs a lesson on Brownie points. I have instructed my lovely wife Lulu and her sister Bertha Hogg to cook up some of those delicious brownies made from real Ridgeway Red with a little of Tuts shine in for additonal flavor and deliver them to Bobbys abode. I have instructed chief Portley and assistant Rocko to conveniently show up when Bobby takes the first bite, cause he ain't turnin' down no Hogg cookin'. Stay tuned.
 
J.D.'S INTERVIEW WITH THE POLICE CHIEF

     Ridgeway is a Speedtrap. Chief Portley has informed all of us ignoramases that speedtrap is not in one dictionary, SO THERE!  As an unsuspecting Yankee takes the shortcut off Intuhstate 77 to Muttle Beach, he or she encounters a sign that reads Speed Zone Ahead and the speed drops from 55 to 45 and he or she does not know the next 400 feet is like fallin off a cliff.

     The speed drops suddenly to 35, twenty five feet 24, fifty mo feet 19 and fifty more feet 9 miles per hour. Our town Policemen are very generous. Hell, they allow most to go 10 miles over the limit. At the town council meeting it was decided that Ridgeway put up a new welcome motto at the town limits which reads "Welcome Yankees, keep Ridgeway green by speedin' through our fine town. We accept cash, U.S. or Confederate, Massacard, VeeSSSSIR, Discovah or Confederate Express.
     The mid-afternoon greeting the chief gets from the locals is how may Yankees you got today and the chief goes to singing his favorite country and western song, The Hank Snow classic "I've Been Everywhere ", Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, New Yawk, Pennsylvania, Vermont, and some no count smart ass hillbilly from West Virginia. The chief has been known to be kind and even drop a fine for any Yankee that can whistle a few bars of "Dixie".
     The chief also requested that mayor Dewphus Hogg allow he and Rocko to wear short pants during the long hot summers here, but the mayor in brilliant forethought decided the town could not stand a sexual harassment lawsuit that would surely come when the chief or Rocko would stop a car full of beautiful ladies who would try to bribe them on their sexy legs. That would not be good for the town. Of course if it were the mayor and those angel oak tree trucks of his no one would care less. Keep sendin us those speed trap stories.
To be fair and out of comedic stance the chief, Rocko and Rufus do a good job for our town. It is our town and if you drive like a bat out of hell then expect to pay the fine. They do give some slack to speeders. This on line newspaper is comedy and I dare say theres not another small town in America that has the characters Ridgeway has. Its going to be a lot of fun. Don't think Ridgeway will catch all the flack, there have been stories coming in to cover Doko and Sinnsboro too. - The Editor

IN OTHER NEWS

NEW CHURCH ERECTED IN RIDGEWAY

     It has been reported that a new church has been established in our fair town. The new pastor, oh he does not want to be addressed that way, he is a prophet, no its not that way either, I'll get it right, its Profit Needmore, and his followers who call themselves the Almighty "I'm Better than you" Bucks. The chief elder is Willie Focker from over around Lake Wannabee. Profit Needmore got his degree on line from the PTL, "Profits that Lie" institution. Their motto is the PTL has gone to hell so where do I send the money. Now Boss has his sights set on this new church, it has all the right ingredients for profit sharing. Boss decided to go and see what the new church was about and before you knew it Boss got in the swing of things. Profit Needmore gets the congregation in a euphoric high by praisin' good fortune and faith healin'. Profit Needmore passed the plate and it was full, Boss got a headache looking at all that money and asked to be healed. Profit Needmore slapped his hand on Boss forehead and the Profit shouted Heal Poke Chop Hogg. Did'nt do Boss no good, two good ole boys in bed with the Devil. But before the end of the services Boss had convinced the new Profit to put all that money in THE bank of Ridgeway. Boss had the accounts set up where the Profit could not be misunderstood. The profit and Elder Focker would control one account and Boss the other.
     The first account would be the Building Fun account where the d was missing and the account number was 1666. This is the fun set up so Profit Needmore and his lovely wife Clarabelle could clown around on trips to the beach. The Cemetary account was the one ole Boss controled. He had it set up as a dead account he could dip his hands into when he wanted to. Ridgeway residents beware of chalatans that barter on the open market that which cannot be bought.